I rose from bed to write these thoughts down, so please forgive me while I stand on my much needed soapbox and wax philosophically for a few moments.
Sometimes I think I'll never have the hands of my mother -- stay with me here. She's a genius in the arts and is also known, lovingly, as Crafty Patty (P-Cakes to you and me). On my Mom's side of the family is a mishmash of a crazy Italian lineage I'll never begin to fully understand the depth and breadth of and the rest is a bit mut like; Scottish, English, yada yada yada. But with that Italian side came traditional cooking, gossiping around the dinner table which would often lead to hurt feelings, silent treatments and,"I told you not to repeat that!" I don't know which category I fit into, Millenial or is it Gen Y; despite not knowing which category I should be slotted into, I am afraid I will never be able to do the things my Mom was meant to teach me. Don't get me wrong, she's taught me a lot; however, I've taken advantage of time and the fact that we'll always have tomorrow. But, what if there is no tomorrow? Did I, perhaps, squander that time?
During my visit back to the States or as some people mentioned, "Geesh, it only took you two years to come back!" -- I made fudge with my Mom and to be honest it was the best damn fudge I ever made. Part of it was her presence in the kitchen and I think the rest came down to luck and a gas stove top.
Crafty Patty can also make awesome red sauce; she made that the day after I flew back from Boston. I remember the smells and now I can't help but think why I never took the time to get off my duff and watch her make the same sauce which simmered and spattered in the background while all the crazy women of my family gossiped.
What you also don't know was my grandfather, Grumpy, was the calm within that storm of women. Luckily, for him, his hearing wasn't all that great :)
Why did I get stuck on the bubbles during dinner?
Diana and I met for one night in Boston in early December to catch up and hang; she asked me what I wanted to do, but I had no idea. The jet lag had taken ahold of me, which meant I made for horrible company, conversation and general decision making.
Diana: "What do you wanna do?"
Me: "I don't know -- you pick."
What a great help I am; I do this to Scott all the time, because I trust whatever he picks we'll both like. Fortunately he hasn't made a bad choice yet.
On this particular night Diana and I proved to be a horrible pair of decision makers.
The rain was starting to fall, so we decided to wander back to the hotel I was staying in and dine at one of their restaurants. Before flying to Boston I got this notion stuck inside my head about ordering a bottle of champagne... "Ooh, look at me, I'm a big girl now." In reality, I felt like a pusher and in the end I was glad they wouldn't let us order bubbles by the glass. Instead we both ordered these really strong cocktails, ate dinner and I think my head hit the pillow a little before 9 PM.
Diana said something to me during dinner that really stuck -- "I feel like no time's passed since we last saw each other." However, I did. Not in a bad way. We're just not those two girls tucking ourselves into bed for a session of "Friends" with a healthy serving of Diana's taco dip. I wish we went to 7-11, bought a bunch of junk food and watched a couple of bad romantic comedies. It's what we do best.
Why do some friends ostracize you when you decide to make a life changing leap of faith?
My childhood friend and another friend dropped me like a hot bag of potatoes -- it was tough. After moving to Australia I experienced a whole host of emotions from their separate decisions to cut me off: anger, disgust, betrayal, confusion and pain. With Colleen I made a general appeal and attempted to plead my case; but I don't think she ever deserved my side of the story since she was never truly by my side since we were teenagers. College, difference in age and moving a town away will forge that growing wedge in any friendship, you just need decide how hard you want to work on staying in touch. With Erika I really can't say why she stopped writing. Too busy, life, getting married? I wanted to know about it all, yet I never got that chance.
The shortest version for backstory purposes: I broke up with a guy three months before I was to get married to him and then married the man who is the true love of my life a few months after that.
And the above mentioned "friends" were my bridesmaids.
Just please tell me how it hurt them so much to want to shut me out. Petty topic to be stuck on, but sometimes they both haunt me in my dreams.
When will I ever make it? This might never happen, but it's always a thought that creeps up on me sometimes.
Will I ever leave a lasting impression? And no, not the sort my butt leaves on the couch cushion after standing up.
Do you ever just stare at your computer, not take a single thing in and think, "what did I just read?"
You have a secret cheerleader somewhere in this world, aside from your closest family members? I'd like to think my biggest "secret" cheerleader is my Mom's best friend, Karen.
I have no resolutions for 2013. I do, however, want to keep up this whole blogging thing, continue to be a pretty good wife and maybe learn how to surf.
Random and oh so non sequitur. Me, to a T.